grateful soul

First off, I cannot believe it has been nearly two months since my last post. While I wish I had been able to maintain my writing in the midst of moving back to school, academics, work, and everyday life, it appears I simply could not, but alas here I am, and with that, a testament to the theme of this post: not giving up. Lately I have being struggling to come to terms with the reality of my feelings versus the ideal of persevering and conquering all that I originally envisioned accomplishing. I think part of my long hiatus from writing has been due, in part, to this battle leaving me with such confusion that most of my days are spent with my mind going back and forth, back and forth, until by the time I have a moment to “breathe,” I am so exhausted and cannot begin to even synthesize my feelings into words. As I reflect on how taxing this confliction has been, I come to the conclusion that my vexations would cease to exist if I ignored the impression that people would judge me for failing to continue in paths that I have begun to pave for myself. It is in this moment that I realize that I, along with everyone else in this world, have the right to pursue things, and then come to the realization that these pursuits do not suit me in the ways I presumed they would. After all, how would we know things don’t fit unless we try them on?

I don’t want to presume that everyone feels this way, but often times, I feel pressured to stick things out to the end. In the past, there have been many times where I have wanted to give up – and by give up I mean down to the kind that makes life itself seem like an undesirable feat – but I always found a way to pick myself up enough times to get on level ground and keep going. Coming off of a wonderful summer and feeling as though I finally reached a point where I was utterly content with life, I was excited to embark on a fresh semester. Just over two months in and I find myself reanalyzing my life, asking myself where I went awry. Did I take on too much? Am I not confronting the underlying truth that this time around I can’t do it all? Is that okay, will people understand that I can’t juggle being a student, working, maintaining relationships, pursuing passions like writing and working out, and also having time to simply just be?

One thing is for sure, I know that not everyone can understand the internal battle waging inside of me, because there are some people who I know can relate to internal conflicts and then there are others who maybe don’t allow the judgments of others to interfere, relieving themselves of a certain level of intensity. In fact, I don’t even expect people to externally acknowledge this everyday combat I seem to be fighting, since after all, it is virtually invisible, even barely discernable by those with a keen sense of my habitual tones and mannerisms. But because I know this, I also recognize that it is up to me to decide to truly live for myself. Why should I care if someone views my change in directions, my gradual shift in focusing on what truly makes me happy and what is best for me? At the end of the day I am the one dealing with the emotional outcomes of my life decisions.

So what I am trying to say, is that if you ever feel like the walls of life are caving in, and you are starting to entertain a new idea that works to reverse previous choices, don’t feel as though you are agonizingly bound to wherever you currently are in life. There is beauty in the fact that we are ever evolving beings on journeys that allow us to learn and apply those experiences in a way that advances us towards what happiness looks like in our individual lives. Realize that sometimes you have to fully immerse yourself in order to assess from the inside whether or not something - a hobby, a book, a job, or a relationship – is indeed the best for you. And if you realize that its time to change course, honor yourself for trying and understand that you aren’t giving up, that instead it is just time to give something new a spin. You should never regret “time wasted” going in one direction if it does not end up being your final destination. There are reasons why we are guided through detours; who knows, maybe without the detour we would’ve hit a roadblock and never made it to where we were meant to go, or maybe the least direct routes are meant to give us perspective in order to fully appreciate the view at the end of it all. It is okay to make u-turns, accidentally take the wrong exits, or even to not heed the signs at all, but it is important to remember to tune into your internal GPS that will respond and reroute you in the right direction.