Taking Back Control Over Anxiety

This next post has been one I’ve considered writing for a long time, but it has taken me up until this point to feel like I have the complete courage and strength to formulate my feelings and experiences into words. I want to preface what I am about to discuss though, with the fact that although the majority of this will focus on food-based anxieties, I hope to express a message that can help with conflicting, internal anxieties in general. I can’t ignore the fact that I still worry and stress about many things in my life, but I can safely say that I know what it is like to experience the suffocating effects of feeling victim to your own mind even when you know it is “wrong” to feel so extremely about something.

Currently in my sophomore year of college, I feel like I have come a long way in my journey of self-love in the past year. For the past few years I have made fitness and health a large part of my lifestyle, which naturally comes with its ups and downs, but it wasn’t until my freshman year of college that I realized my focus on healthy living was becoming an obsession that would soon start to consume my life. I started off my college career coming off of a summer where I felt like I had achieved my best self to date, and I felt my momentum carrying through this new adjustment period as I would opt for healthy meal options and block out time for working out. As the semester progressed though, eating became a torment for me. No matter what I ate, even down to a cucumber slice, I would continually mull over the nutritional content (how much fat, carbs, and protein that I estimated to be in each component of my meal). I felt myself slipping away from being in the present moment, and instead giving all of my energy into factoring whether or not I would gain weight. This became every second, every minute, and every day of my life. It felt good to go to bed with my stomach growling because in my head that meant I was in a caloric deficit and would wake up skinnier. It felt good when at the end of the day I still had 200 calories I hadn’t utilized, even though my tracker was set to a goal of a meager 1,200 caloric intake for the day. If the scale was even a mere .2 pounds heavier than the day before, I would be spiraled into the idea that “I wasn’t doing enough” and that “I was getting off track.” I would even allow that small gain to metamorphose itself into actual “weight” when I would look in the mirror, convincing myself that I did look heavier than the day before. 

Egg White Veggie Scramble + Julian's Paleo Almond Flour Bread + Apricots

I began to isolate myself from the college dining halls where I knew I would be judged for barely eating or only having a salad (plus it was depressing for me to watch people eat “whatever they wanted” and not feel the pain I felt), and I realized I was pushing away those who were close to me. It wasn’t that I wanted to, and looking back I wish I could have seen what I know now and acted differently, but I literally felt compelled to feel guilty for any morsel that entered my mouth. All the reassurance people gave me did help, and any time I was able to open up to someone about the truth of how I was feeling, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders since I was no longer sitting in calculative, hidden turmoil. This dilemma haunted me through my entire first year of college and even through my trip of a lifetime in Europe. It wasn’t until I came back from the trip and found out that I had actually lost weight and achieved my all time lowest weigh-in while traveling, that it hit me that I could manage to eat “unhealthy” things and not gain. I began to try to not hold back from enjoying life and approach eating with the tactic of having small bites of things I viewed as guilt-loaded so that I felt like I had tried them, but hadn’t completely lost control. Through a process of encouraging and coaxing myself, along with making tough decisions of when to restrain from my compulsion to weigh in or track my calories for the day, I feel like I finally am at a point where I have outweighed the control and am now on a better path to recovery. Every day is not necessarily perfect, and some days I feel myself starting to get overly analytical about what I’m eating, but I try to maintain power and not succumb to the fear that wants to seep in.

Nonfat Greek Yogurt Bowl topped with blueberries + strawberries + pecans + chia seeds + honey

What I hope to impart through sharing my experiences, is that it is okay to have anxieties. No one is wrong for feeling the way they do, and it can be frustrating to feel like you are alone in feeling a certain way, to feel misunderstood, or to feel like you are acting in a way you don’t actually want to be acting in. Whether it is an anxiety with food or a different type of anxiety such as feeling compulsive about everything being in an exact order, deep down inside we all have the power to take back control. I realize that many times this is easier said than done, but just know it isn’t completely impossible. I felt trapped in my own body and I knew I wanted to let myself eat and that there actually weren’t consequences if I did eat, but for some reason I couldn’t stand up to myself. It is definitely a process that varies for anyone battling with these similar feelings. One method that helped me was to slowly begin to recognize the feelings I had and then flip my perspective so that I no longer had fear about eating, but rather recognized that I was making conscious decisions that I was proud of. Rewarding myself for even the smallest of victories (like eating an M&M and not freaking out), helped to slowly untangle my compulsiveness to track and evaluate everything. Essentially, it becomes a balancing act of being aware of uncontrollable feelings and also easing up on them a notch, until it gets to the point where the power shifts to more ease over controlling feelings.

Plate of turkey + microgreens + jicama + avocado w/ Everything Bagel seasoning + Thai Curry Hummus + mini sweet peppers

The most important message from this, is that even when you think you are alone in feeling a certain way, just know that we are all human and someone else knows how you feel in a different capacity. It might not be the exact same situation, but relative to their life, you both might be experiencing the same types of feelings. Another point I’d like to make, is that it is okay to open up to people and receive help. I know I often feel guilty when I unload my feelings onto others and so I sometimes naturally close myself off, but I have often found that it leaves others around you feeling as if they have done something wrong. Believe in the power of yourself to make a change within, and don’t feel shame in acknowledging your feelings and letting others in to help. We are all beautiful and worthy in our own individualistic ways, and as we work towards complete love and contentment with ourselves, we will see even more beauty in the world around us.