Bravely Stepping Into the Unknown

Life can often feel as daunting and uncertain as exploring the depths of an ocean. Sometimes we find ourselves in parts where light barely seeps through, where we feel alone, lost, and unsure about what we might experience in the next moments. 

Zion National Park, Utah // October 2020

While not quite the same, and far from the frightening dark with its incredible colors, the Narrows in Zion National Park require that one willingly enters into the unknown. There are so many uncontrollable factors – varying temperatures, water depth, strength of the currents, the uneven terrain - that remind hikers of their humanity and how nature cannot be tamed.  Wading through the Narrows means committing to trekking ahead, even in the moments when you aren’t certain where your foot will land or how high the water will meet you. If you hone in on the rapid current, or look ahead and realize you’ve lost sight of the ground, it can be easy to feel distressed. To get through moments of uncertainty, it can help to look up, take in the surrounding beauty, and remind yourself of all the elements you’ve already successfully overcome.  

It’s important to remember that sometimes you’ll have someone there to cheer you on, lend a supporting hand that you can literally lean on, and dust you off when you need some extra strength. Other times you’ll be forced to look around and find ways to work with what you have. And, the reality is, there will even be days when you’ll just have yourself to rely on – whether it’s a celebratory event or a low period. In these moments, we become strongest as we exercise our skills of surviving on our own, and it makes us more appreciative when we do have support around us. 

Personally, I know it can be extremely hard to muster up the courage to move forward. Sometimes recognizing all the support and love around you can actually make it harder, adding on a layer of “Why do I feel this way when there is so much positivity around me?” Guilt can seep in, compounding the negative feelings of not knowing what lie ahead. The effect that you are only sinking deeper and deeper may wash over. The key word is “effect;” the truth is that there have been challenges before and, often times, the worst outcomes of our daily stresses aren’t actually all that bad. Truly, it hurts us more to limit ourselves and remain stuck; It’s important to continue to make progress by bravely taking that bold step into the unknown. 

While hiking waist-deep through the cool, crisp water in Zion, I realized that it was easiest to trek when I went with the flow of the current and intuitively harnessed my momentum to leap from rock to rock. In this way, change is similar to a current. Resisting change and being frozen by fear, only makes it harder to navigate. Without surrendering to what might be and continuing our journey, we miss out on new possibilities and the potential to see an unthinkably beautiful sight around the corner. It’s about focusing on the fact that opportunity awaits, as opposed to the fact that you are halfway under water. 

“It’s about focusing on the fact that opportunity awaits, as opposed to the fact that you are halfway under water. ”

Without the power to predict the future, it is normal to get anxious about the unknown or feel overwhelmed. However, if we pause and log all that we’ve conquered in life, it’s easy to see that the magic in life is in all the crevices that we dare to explore. Cheers to being more fearless in this new year! xoxo

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

It is hard for me to face the fact that I haven’t been able to fully create a written piece for this blog in 4 months, and even more eerie to me that the last post I published was one that urged for us to consider what matters most to us without a crisis forcing such reevaluations. 

Now, in the midst of all of this COVID-19 chaos, we have all been infected one way or another – we have had to change the way we interact with each other and the world around us, adapt to the the ins and outs of our new normals, and shift the mental focus we place on various things. While my hope is that among the small silver linings that this situation poses – like having more time to spend with family and pursue personal goals that work schedules previously got in the way of – that at the end of this predicament we find ourselves taking less for granted, expressing more gratitude, and feeling more connected as humans. This moment in history is one of the many tremors that our world will face, but with each one comes the shifting of tectonic plates that is necessary for society’s reconfiguration towards more empathy and equality.

Royal National Park, Australia // July 2019

Recently, as my spirit was starting to lift after some rough past months in my personal life, I envisioned writing a post in May with this same title: “The Light At the End of the Tunnel.” It was to come alongside my college graduation, serving as inspiration for fellow students and those who have ever felt lonely, lost, or unsure if they would live to see their goals achieved. As I have said before, this platform was sparked by my hope that if I opened up and shared my own feelings, at least one person would read my words, realize they weren’t alone, and find the strength to continue to place one foot in front of the other. I figured that being able to write “from the other side,” as someone who successfully reached a big milestone in life, would be encouraging for people. Unfortunately, as a consequence of COVID-19, that moment of physically receiving my diploma on an official graduation day is no longer a reality. What I have come to realize though, is that the true success isn’t in finally making it to the end goal, but rather accepting the challenge of each waking day and continuing to push yourself in the right direction as opposed to giving up.

For a lot of people who know me in my private life, it may come as a surprise to know that my outwardly smiling and humorous persona doesn’t indicate the internal struggles that I have been learning to accept and manage. Having an essentially perfect and very fortunate life makes the emotional challenges even harder, as I feel like I don’t have the right to feel the deep waves of sadness that often overcome me. It is hard for me to reach out and express that I need help, let alone disclose to people that depression, anxiety, and eating disorders haunt my everyday experiences. I never wanted to be vulnerable and explicitly discuss these things for fear that I would pitied (something that my highly independent, stubborn self does not enjoy), so it only felt appropriate to bring them up in the context that I survived and succeeded on my own. However, I came to the conclusion that this was antithetical to my desire to help people identify with human conditions and understand that it is normal to feel grateful and happy for so much in life, as well as simultaneously endure times that feel unbearable. 

Manly, Sydney, Australia // June 2019

I once read something that helped me come to terms with my own feelings, and perhaps you too will find solace in it: for those who are empathetic and finely tuned into the world around them, their scope on life allows them to see the oneness that connects us all, yet it does not extend in only one direction, forcing them to also experience the weight and sadness of the world at a stronger level. 

While it is important to stay motivated and recognize that “the light at the end of the tunnel” proposes many positives, I think it is even more critical to acknowledge the successes of continuing to journey through doubt and darkness. It is also vital to not discount that there are many times when sunlight can leak through crevices. These are the instances in which the dichotomy of happiness and depression exist; these are the times when you can feel both whole and split in two. And sometimes, after years of feeling like a societal anomaly, one of the light beams that you encounter may be someone who finally lends a listening ear, accepts you for who you are, or offers to walk with you through the darkness and sit with you in the warmth of the light. 

With all the uncertainty that we are collectively facing, I hope that we can at least gain a better understanding of each other and ourselves. Let us take this time to heal, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. These are times that call for the upmost acts of kindness, reassurance, and empathy. There are already signs of positive outcomes such as lower environmental emissions, so perhaps we can view this situation as an extreme way of hitting “reset” in a multitude of aspects. We should always be conscious of the internal feelings and struggles that one may be battling, but we should be even more hyperaware and considerate in a period like this. Sending love, light, and health to all! xoxo

Practicing Patience

In today’s world it is easy to find ourselves constantly anxiety-ridden thanks to the lack of patience that our instantly gratifying technologies have trained us to have. When we feel ourselves in impatient states, we are acting as our mind and body’s worst enemy – subjecting our heart rate to a state of uneasiness and releasing stress hormones that leave unnecessary negative affects on other body systems. So what’s the remedy? Learning to take a deep breath and own up to the fact that we cannot speed up time or predict the future. We must take a look at what we have in the here and now, toss wild “what ifs” out of our minds, and recognize that at the end of the day, getting irritated over situations that deal with the difference of a few seconds or minutes aren’t worth our energy. 

Mt. Pilatus, Switzerland // June 2017

The first step in practicing more patience is to put ourselves in check and realize that we do not have the power to control circumstantial things like time ticking by or how other people will play their roles in the given situation. Like I’ve mentioned before, perspective plays a vital role in how we train our mind and body to react, thus we must focus our thoughts on what each moment is providing us with rather than what it is costing us. Eventually, we might find that we naturally are able to keep stress levels low since we have an overall calmness that we have become acclimated to. One way to begin this exercise is to take a deep breath whenever we feel ourselves itching to fast-forward time, followed by reminding ourselves that the current moment offers a great opportunity to reflect on what we do have and how we have positively evolved throughout past moments to get to this present moment. Next time you are at a red light feeling restless and burning for the minuscule amount of time that you are stuck in that spot to be even shorter, try to ease your mind and realize that in the scheme of life, working yourself up over minor seconds is not worth the gratitude that the stress will strip you of. Be grateful for all of life’s little moments, even if it is just a couple of seconds. 

Mt. Pilatus, Switzerland // June 2017

On a more long term scale, when we find ourselves trying to unravel the mysteries of future circumstances, it is important to take a step back and appreciate the potential of the immediate instants that we are only wasting if we set our sights completely on occurrences that we do not have total control over. In surrendering ourselves to a higher power and acknowledging that “everything that is meant to be, will be,” we free up our worries and allow our energy to filter towards maximizing the present moment. Looking back on our pasts, many occurrences were probably somewhat dependent on factors outside of ourselves; thus, if we allow ourselves to completely melt into what we know and have for sure, we lift an incredible weight and pressure off of our hearts and souls. In the long run, this will keep us healthy, youthful, radiant, and help us to extend our futures, so as to be able to live longer, happier lives. 

Harness the fresh, transformative energy of this recent Gemini new moon to learn something new about yourself and check into your thought patterns! Every day is an opportunity to make a positive change and be happy! Here’s to a sensational weekend everyone!

Taking Back Control Over Anxiety

This next post has been one I’ve considered writing for a long time, but it has taken me up until this point to feel like I have the complete courage and strength to formulate my feelings and experiences into words. I want to preface what I am about to discuss though, with the fact that although the majority of this will focus on food-based anxieties, I hope to express a message that can help with conflicting, internal anxieties in general. I can’t ignore the fact that I still worry and stress about many things in my life, but I can safely say that I know what it is like to experience the suffocating effects of feeling victim to your own mind even when you know it is “wrong” to feel so extremely about something.

Currently in my sophomore year of college, I feel like I have come a long way in my journey of self-love in the past year. For the past few years I have made fitness and health a large part of my lifestyle, which naturally comes with its ups and downs, but it wasn’t until my freshman year of college that I realized my focus on healthy living was becoming an obsession that would soon start to consume my life. I started off my college career coming off of a summer where I felt like I had achieved my best self to date, and I felt my momentum carrying through this new adjustment period as I would opt for healthy meal options and block out time for working out. As the semester progressed though, eating became a torment for me. No matter what I ate, even down to a cucumber slice, I would continually mull over the nutritional content (how much fat, carbs, and protein that I estimated to be in each component of my meal). I felt myself slipping away from being in the present moment, and instead giving all of my energy into factoring whether or not I would gain weight. This became every second, every minute, and every day of my life. It felt good to go to bed with my stomach growling because in my head that meant I was in a caloric deficit and would wake up skinnier. It felt good when at the end of the day I still had 200 calories I hadn’t utilized, even though my tracker was set to a goal of a meager 1,200 caloric intake for the day. If the scale was even a mere .2 pounds heavier than the day before, I would be spiraled into the idea that “I wasn’t doing enough” and that “I was getting off track.” I would even allow that small gain to metamorphose itself into actual “weight” when I would look in the mirror, convincing myself that I did look heavier than the day before. 

Egg White Veggie Scramble + Julian's Paleo Almond Flour Bread + Apricots

I began to isolate myself from the college dining halls where I knew I would be judged for barely eating or only having a salad (plus it was depressing for me to watch people eat “whatever they wanted” and not feel the pain I felt), and I realized I was pushing away those who were close to me. It wasn’t that I wanted to, and looking back I wish I could have seen what I know now and acted differently, but I literally felt compelled to feel guilty for any morsel that entered my mouth. All the reassurance people gave me did help, and any time I was able to open up to someone about the truth of how I was feeling, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders since I was no longer sitting in calculative, hidden turmoil. This dilemma haunted me through my entire first year of college and even through my trip of a lifetime in Europe. It wasn’t until I came back from the trip and found out that I had actually lost weight and achieved my all time lowest weigh-in while traveling, that it hit me that I could manage to eat “unhealthy” things and not gain. I began to try to not hold back from enjoying life and approach eating with the tactic of having small bites of things I viewed as guilt-loaded so that I felt like I had tried them, but hadn’t completely lost control. Through a process of encouraging and coaxing myself, along with making tough decisions of when to restrain from my compulsion to weigh in or track my calories for the day, I feel like I finally am at a point where I have outweighed the control and am now on a better path to recovery. Every day is not necessarily perfect, and some days I feel myself starting to get overly analytical about what I’m eating, but I try to maintain power and not succumb to the fear that wants to seep in.

Nonfat Greek Yogurt Bowl topped with blueberries + strawberries + pecans + chia seeds + honey

What I hope to impart through sharing my experiences, is that it is okay to have anxieties. No one is wrong for feeling the way they do, and it can be frustrating to feel like you are alone in feeling a certain way, to feel misunderstood, or to feel like you are acting in a way you don’t actually want to be acting in. Whether it is an anxiety with food or a different type of anxiety such as feeling compulsive about everything being in an exact order, deep down inside we all have the power to take back control. I realize that many times this is easier said than done, but just know it isn’t completely impossible. I felt trapped in my own body and I knew I wanted to let myself eat and that there actually weren’t consequences if I did eat, but for some reason I couldn’t stand up to myself. It is definitely a process that varies for anyone battling with these similar feelings. One method that helped me was to slowly begin to recognize the feelings I had and then flip my perspective so that I no longer had fear about eating, but rather recognized that I was making conscious decisions that I was proud of. Rewarding myself for even the smallest of victories (like eating an M&M and not freaking out), helped to slowly untangle my compulsiveness to track and evaluate everything. Essentially, it becomes a balancing act of being aware of uncontrollable feelings and also easing up on them a notch, until it gets to the point where the power shifts to more ease over controlling feelings.

Plate of turkey + microgreens + jicama + avocado w/ Everything Bagel seasoning + Thai Curry Hummus + mini sweet peppers

The most important message from this, is that even when you think you are alone in feeling a certain way, just know that we are all human and someone else knows how you feel in a different capacity. It might not be the exact same situation, but relative to their life, you both might be experiencing the same types of feelings. Another point I’d like to make, is that it is okay to open up to people and receive help. I know I often feel guilty when I unload my feelings onto others and so I sometimes naturally close myself off, but I have often found that it leaves others around you feeling as if they have done something wrong. Believe in the power of yourself to make a change within, and don’t feel shame in acknowledging your feelings and letting others in to help. We are all beautiful and worthy in our own individualistic ways, and as we work towards complete love and contentment with ourselves, we will see even more beauty in the world around us.