grateful soul

It is hard for me to face the fact that I haven’t been able to fully create a written piece for this blog in 4 months, and even more eerie to me that the last post I published was one that urged for us to consider what matters most to us without a crisis forcing such reevaluations.

Now, in the midst of all of this COVID-19 chaos, we have all been infected one way or another – we have had to change the way we interact with each other and the world around us, adapt to the the ins and outs of our new normals, and shift the mental focus we place on various things. While my hope is that among the small silver linings that this situation poses – like having more time to spend with family and pursue personal goals that work schedules previously got in the way of – that at the end of this predicament we find ourselves taking less for granted, expressing more gratitude, and feeling more connected as humans. This moment in history is one of the many tremors that our world will face, but with each one comes the shifting of tectonic plates that is necessary for society’s reconfiguration towards more empathy and equality.

Royal National Park, Australia // July 2019

Recently, as my spirit was starting to lift after some rough past months in my personal life, I envisioned writing a post in May with this same title: “The Light At the End of the Tunnel.” It was to come alongside my college graduation, serving as inspiration for fellow students and those who have ever felt lonely, lost, or unsure if they would live to see their goals achieved. As I have said before, this platform was sparked by my hope that if I opened up and shared my own feelings, at least one person would read my words, realize they weren’t alone, and find the strength to continue to place one foot in front of the other. I figured that being able to write “from the other side,” as someone who successfully reached a big milestone in life, would be encouraging for people. Unfortunately, as a consequence of COVID-19, that moment of physically receiving my diploma on an official graduation day is no longer a reality. What I have come to realize though, is that the true success isn’t in finally making it to the end goal, but rather accepting the challenge of each waking day and continuing to push yourself in the right direction as opposed to giving up.

For a lot of people who know me in my private life, it may come as a surprise to know that my outwardly smiling and humorous persona doesn’t indicate the internal struggles that I have been learning to accept and manage. Having an essentially perfect and very fortunate life makes the emotional challenges even harder, as I feel like I don’t have the right to feel the deep waves of sadness that often overcome me. It is hard for me to reach out and express that I need help, let alone disclose to people that depression, anxiety, and eating disorders haunt my everyday experiences. I never wanted to be vulnerable and explicitly discuss these things for fear that I would pitied (something that my highly independent, stubborn self does not enjoy), so it only felt appropriate to bring them up in the context that I survived and succeeded on my own. However, I came to the conclusion that this was antithetical to my desire to help people identify with human conditions and understand that it is normal to feel grateful and happy for so much in life, as well as simultaneously endure times that feel unbearable.

I once read something that helped me come to terms with my own feelings, and perhaps you too will find solace in it: for those who are empathetic and finely tuned into the world around them, their scope on life allows them to see the oneness that connects us all, yet it does not extend in only one direction, forcing them to also experience the weight and sadness of the world at a stronger level.

While it is important to stay motivated and recognize that “the light at the end of the tunnel” proposes many positives, I think it is even more critical to acknowledge the successes of continuing to journey through doubt and darkness. It is also vital to not discount that there are many times when sunlight can leak through crevices. These are the instances in which the dichotomy of happiness and depression exist; these are the times when you can feel both whole and split in two. And sometimes, after years of feeling like a societal anomaly, one of the light beams that you encounter may be someone who finally lends a listening ear, accepts you for who you are, or offers to walk with you through the darkness and sit with you in the warmth of the light.

With all the uncertainty that we are collectively facing, I hope that we can at least gain a better understanding of each other and ourselves. Let us take this time to heal, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. These are times that call for the upmost acts of kindness, reassurance, and empathy. There are already signs of positive outcomes such as lower environmental emissions, so perhaps we can view this situation as an extreme way of hitting “reset” in a multitude of aspects. We should always be conscious of the internal feelings and struggles that one may be battling, but we should be even more hyperaware and considerate in a period like this. Sending love, light, and health to all! xoxo